Brrrnnggg Brrrnnggg! Brrrnnggg Brrrnnggg!

I rush to the phone and pick it up. It is Melanie, one of the actresses in Fate & Fortune. We talk about life, the universe and the commitment to a career for a while and arrange to meet up for a beer in a few weeks time. She mentions that she has been getting a lot of parts in short films lately and has updated her CV (resum�). Do I think there’ll be enough of her in the film to add to her showreel? Of course. “I was Fate wasn’t I?” she asks. “Um, no you were Fortune.” Oops. I really MUST get this finished!

Brrrnnggg Brrrnnggg! Brrrnnggg Brrrnnggg!

It’s a friend wondering where I’ve been and do I want to come around for a cup of tea. I can’t I’m on my way to work in two hours. Where are the film-related people who were going to call back?

Brrrnnggg Brrrnnggg! Brrrnnggg Brrrnnggg!

Maybe it’s the sound re-recordist or the graphics people this time. I spring forth with enthusiasm at the prospect. “Hello. This is City Vintners.” Who the hell are City Vintners? Do I detect the fine bouquet of a scam involving me putting my non-existent Monopoly money into their business? I think I do…

“I’m not trying to sell you anything,” the voice says. Of course not. This is one of those altruistic phone calls at their expense solely for the benefit of little old me. Right.

“Do you invest? Our customers have seen returns of twenty to thirty percent annually for the past ten years. Would you be interested in a business opportunity like that?” Let me put it this way, can I pay for whatever it is in shirt buttons and get a return in hard currency? Could you spin the pile of old videocassettes on my landing into bullion? Is your name Rumplestiltskin? As I suspected…

Telephone marketers, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.