“You’ve started a profound quote book, have you?”
\n– Ken Scott, noticing these jottings being made in a notepad at the Watford Observer between October and December 1990.<\/p>\n
“Got a second?”
\n– Peter Wilson-Leary, Watford Observer Group Editor, repeated every day<\/p>\n
Lucy Parks talking to reporter Richard Arquati about his construction workers story: “I would have jumped on their tools.”
\nNews editor Frazer Ansell observing Lucy: “She’s fucking mad. She gets too many E numbers.”<\/p>\n
“We are doing our best to put other people’s mistakes right. Sometimes in doing this, we make other mistakes.”
\n– Malcolm Waller, deputy editor<\/p>\n
“I’ll take that on board.”
\n– PWL every day<\/p>\n
“I remember the old News Chronicle…”
\n– Malcolm Waller, every day<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Chris Beech talking about office computers: “I think that’s what we’d call in the trade ‘a false economy’. But then we would because we’re pretentious like that. Other people would call it a waste of money.”<\/p>\n
“I love my computer. It works so beautifully at the moment.”
\n– Malcolm, famous last words<\/p>\n
“Why do I always have to be Eeyore?”
\n– Chris<\/p>\n
“This machine’s playing up again!”
\n– Malcolm, not long after the above and again every couple of days<\/p>\n
Keith to Malcolm as he opens a stationery consignment: “Have you got a couple of dog turds in there I can use instead of this PCS [typesetting] junk?”
\nMalcolm, looking up: “Yes!”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
“We’re trying to be a community newspaper and that includes putting everything in that happened in this area.”
\n– Malcolm, every week<\/p>\n
“I have done, would you believe, a piece on the M1 Link Road.”
\n– Simon ‘Scoop’ Berlyn<\/p>\n
Chris, to me: “Have you subbed [edited] it?”
\nKeith: “Well, I’ve read it half-heartedly. That’s the same thing isn’t it?”
\nChris: “For you, that’s pretty in depth.”<\/p>\n
“I’ll tell you what. I’ve got a real problem actually. The council offices scheme has become a roaring great controversy.”
\n– Simon running on auto-hype<\/p>\n
“If you call someone a ‘duck murderer’ is it libelous?”
\n– Richard Arquati, asking the important questions.<\/p>\n
“Bugger the inspiration. Just get on with it.”
\n– Malcolm Waller<\/p>\n
“I’ll book the photographer for 25 past cos they’ll always be late.”
\n– Frances Lewis optimistically talking to a contact<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Fiona Duffy, women’s page editor, regarding some fashion pictures:
\n“It’s nice, but you wouldn’t wear it would you?”
\nChris: “I’d rather eat my own head.”
\nSimon B: “You don’t want to give yourself indigestion.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Features writer Ken Scott was married to a Thai girl whose complicated name was customarily abbreviated. After bumping into her one lunchtime, Chris Beech was heard to say: “We just saw Ken’s Dik in town.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Simon Berlyn: “Why is sport always later finishing than anything else?”
\nSports editor Ollie Phillips: “I’m afraid we try to get today’s news in Simon, not Monday’s.”
\nSimon: “The only news today is how long you’ve taken to do your pages.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Keith: “I’ve lost my list of good ideas.”
\nChris: “It was so small, it was only a matter of time.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Frances: ‘I just couldn’t bee-leeeeeve it!”
\nMalcolm: “Well, she’s genuine is she? This seventy year old?”
\nFrances: “Oh, ab-so-lute-ly!”
\nFran, getting impatient with Malcolm’s changes to her copy: “You’d rather have something that’s not too accurate?”
\nMalcolm: “Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah!”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Arts editor Grelle White discussing property with features editor Ken Scott:
\nGrelle: “You should move to Streatham. My son’s just moved in and he’s really comfortable.”
\nKen: “And it’s only a four hour drive in?”
\nGrelle: “No, but it’s really nice in Streatham.”
\nKen: “Grelle, you’re not too old to be spanked.”
\nChris (aside): “You’re not too old to have your fingernails pulled out.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Simon Berlyn: “Do you want to have one sort of amorous fling with me before the menopause is over?”
\nLucy: “No, I don’t. Thanks for the offer.”
\nSimon: “It’s strange really because I always fancy the people I like least.”
\nLucy: “What a bizarre person you are.”
\nSimon: “I always think of myself as one of life’s originals.”
\nChris Beech (aside): “One of life’s throwbacks.”
\nSimon: “It’s nothing personal, I just hate everybody.”
\nChris, spotting a coincidence: “That’s uncanny.”
\nSimon: “I think you talk in ironic terms.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Malcolm: “Actually they’re loveable warm creatures these daleks. Ek-stir-min-ate!”
\nChris: “Hey! I thought I was sitting next to a dalek!”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Keith: “Did you know ‘fog’ backwards is ‘gof’?”
\nVince: “I think that’s one of the nice things about life, Keith. It’s a constant voyage of discovery.”<\/p>\n
Chris: “I remember you \u00e2\u20ac\u201d you used to work here.”
\nKeith: “I deny that.”
\nChris: “You used to sit over there and do bog all.”
\nChris, several days later, re-reading the above: “Can I add to that now? You used to sit there and do bog all badly.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
“I’m not a snob but one can’t help feeling one doesn’t want to mix with such social outcasts.”
\n– Chris excusing himself from an office outing<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Keith: “English is my illegitimate offspring.”
\nChris, watching me write this into the book: “I don’t think you can put your own unfunny quotes in there.”<\/p>\n
Malcolm: “I think the whole media is rife with nepotism.”
\nKeith: “No it’s not, dad.”
\nChris: “The trick is knowing which bum to lick when. Don’t put that in\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthey might realise I’m a bum licker.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
“I’m not going mad tonight.”
\n– Chris discusses the evening’s drinking strategy before heading to the bar<\/p>\n
“I do feel unwell. I think I’m going to have to go home and lie down.”
\n– Chris with a raging hangover the day after.<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Mike from advertising: “As Ken’s not here will you take care of that for him?”
\nLucy: “Yeah, put it in here.”
\nMike (dropping envelope in what looks like a slot under the desk): “Is that an In Tray or something?”
\nLucy: “No, that’s the bin.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
“Honestly it’s no joke being a topical cartoonist, Keith. Christ knows how Giles gets on.”
\n– Terry Challis, Watford Observer cartoonist<\/p>\n
Keith: “Well, what can I do to achieve excellence?”
\nGroup editor PWL: “Nothing at the moment, Keith.”
\nKeith: “My first exercise in futility will be switching on the computer.”
\nChris: “Hey, it’s what you do best.”
\nKeith: “You always go home at the end of the day. It’s what I’ve noticed about you.”
\nChris: “It’s what I do best.”
\nMalcolm: “Right, it’s industry full steam ahead!”
\nChris: “Shovel some more coal in the back of the computer…”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
“Simon Berlyn’s an objectionable little runt. He should grow up and become a professional journalist.”
\n– local MP Cecil Parkinson, as reported by Jeremy Austin from a phone call to the office, which elicited the following responses:
\nNews editor Frazer Ansell: “I’ve never liked Cecil Parkinson until now.”
\nReporter Charlotte Adcock: “Did he sound as oily as he looks in real life?”
\nJeremy replying: “My ear had to be syringed out.”
\nChris: “So I don’t suppose we’ll be getting a scoop out him then?”
\nSimon: “I wasn’t sure of the meaning of that word but I’ve looked it up and it’s pretty objectionable. It’s Parkinson all over, slimey toad. If he thinks I’m a runt I can think of a word I’d use to describe him that rhymes with runt that’s more apposite actually.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
“Wouldn’t it be great to have a car that you were not too bothered about?”
\n– Christine Musgrove, TR7 driver<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
Keith continuing a discussion about what to do with a girl from the printing department if you were stranded on a desert island: “If it was a choice between reproducing and starving…?”
\nChris: “I’d bud.”<\/p>\n
Keith, pointing to picture on the wall next to Jeremy Austin’s desk: “Last question\u00e2\u20ac\u201ddid you have sex with this woman?”
\nJeremy: “Yes. But she wasn’t there at the time.”<\/p>\n
Keith: “Whatever happened to Malcolm Vallerius? About this time, he?d be calling for a knob inspection.”
\nMalcolm: “He clearly missed out by not doing national service.”<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
“No matter what time I stop here they still keep me standing here til five o’clock like a cunt.”
\n– John Batchelor, the most miserable man in the printing department.<\/p>\n
“The editor’s indecision is final.”
\n– Ken Scott<\/p>\n
“I don’t help no fucking empire builder.”
\n– John Batchie to Ken<\/p>\n
===<\/p>\n
“Did you ever feel that life’s ‘warm up man’ never turned up?”
\n– Pete Stevens, 1991<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
“You’ve started a profound quote book, have you?” – Ken Scott, noticing these jottings being made in a notepad at the Watford Observer between October and December 1990. “Got a second?” – Peter Wilson-Leary, Watford Observer Group Editor, repeated every day Lucy Parks talking to reporter Richard Arquati about his construction workers story: “I would … Continue reading The Office Quote Book<\/span>