Boom Boody-Boom Boody

My head goes / boom boody-boom boody / boom boody-boom boody / boom boody-boom boody / boom boom boom!

Or more accurately, it goes bang bang bang thud saw saw thud. BANG! Yes, me old mate and new neighbour has been laying his hardwood flooring again. He has opted for a subtle approach to this. Subtle like a ton of bricks raining from the sky, that is. bang bang. Two o’clock in the morning, 7am… there’s no guessing when I’m going to be woken up. BANG bang bang bang. And the trouble with that is that it’s too hot to go straight back to sleep. So when dark rings start appearing around my eyes, don’t be surprised if some shortsighted zookeeper locks me up mistaking me for a panda.

Boom boody-boom boody…

I console myself with a vision of my other neighbours all building a wicker man out on the field next to our homes and dancing (naked probably–they’re all mental) around a huge bonfire at two in the morning tomorrow when more hammering starts. They are chanting, “Trepan the floor man! Release the evil spirits!” Then they drill a hole in his head and his stupidity escapes with a hiss. Maybe he turns out to be a helium balloon and he deflates when this happens. As the air rushes out, he whizzes round and round before finally drifting into the bin in his garden.

Boom boody-boom boody…

Incidentally, after my success at weeding and digging my own garden, the neighbourhood cats have decided that it now resembles the largest litter tray they’ve ever seen. They must just be purring with delight as they empty their bowels there. The orange peel I put out to prevent this dried out in the sun after five minutes and is now having absolutely no effect. Well, other than attracting ants. I’ve put out fresh chunks of citrus peel which cats are supposed to hate but they seem immune now and an abundance of cat crap continues to appear.

One of the people I work with has suggested that if I pee on the garden the cats will detect that I’ve marked my own territory and stay off. Somehow this prospect seems less than appealing, even if I do take it out in a jug for the Christening ceremony. On the other hand, it’s getting pretty disgusting out there anyway. Damn. I ought to be saving that pee to take the varnish off Gary’s flooring.

Boom boody-boom boody…

Hmmm… Maybe I could kill two birds with one stone. You know, “Oops, oh sorry mate! I was keeping this jug of pee for my garden to keep the cats off but I appear to have spilt it over your floor instead. Here, let me do my hobnail boot dance now as that will increase the surface area to volume ratio. This simple application of the Laws of Thermodynamics will ensure that it evaporates faster.” I’m not sure he’ll get that last bit. In fact, I’m not sure he’d be able to add two plus two as I strongly suspect the only thing he’s ever got on an IQ test is drool.

Boom boom boom!

Well, goodness gracious me!

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