Press cutting attached to a letter to the Watford Observer, December 12th 1993

The Piano (15) - Take away 
the ebony, ivory, strings, Holly Hunter, 
Harvey Keitel and Sam Neill, and you're 
left with a big wooden box (more or less).
 
The Secret Garden (U) - Someone 
forgot the golden rule: never act with 
children or plants.
 
The Snapper (15) - Alternatively 
described as (a) a fish, (b) a photographer, 
or (c) based on a Booker-prize winning novel.  
Take your pick.

****

Letter to the Watford Observer, December 12th 1993

Dear Mrs White [Go section editor],

I enclose 3 typical entries from this week’s Film Notes written by Keith Jefferies. None of them gives any information about the films; Mr Jefferies prefers instead to indulge in jokes of indescribable feebleness.

Do you think this matchless rubbish serves any useful purpose? It is baffling to those not interested in films and irritating to those who are. The annoying thing is that a proper guide, also indicating where the film in question is showing, would be genuinely useful.

Yours sincerely,

Peter Found

ps. The Snapper is not, as Mr Jefferies appears to believe, a booker-prize winning novel. Its author recently won the prize for another book.

****

Watford Observer ‘Go’ section, dateline Friday December 17th, 1993

Addams Family Values (PG) - Disturbing, 
amusing and politically incorrect.  The 
dead guys win.
 
Aladdin (U) - Arabian adventure animated 
by Walt Disney.  The hero wins.
 
Demolition Man (15) - Frozen and defrosted 
into a politically correct future, Sylvestor 
Stallone shoots Wesley Snipes.
 
Dirty Weekend (18) - Michael Winner rhymes 
with TV dinner and directs some passion and 
violence at the seaside.
 
Hard Target (18) - Jean Claude Van Damme 
does what he does in another violent film.
 
Hocus Pocus (PG) - A witch (Bette Midler) 
is brought back from the dea in Salem.  
The good guys win.
 
Indochine (12) - Catherine Deneuve, Vincent 
Perez, exotic melodrama, Vietnam setting
--I'll pass.
 
Jurassic Park (PG) - Genetically-engineered 
dinosaurs run amok.  The marketing men win.
 
Letter To Go (U) - Peter Found's moving 
literary classic had this reviewer in tears 
(of laughter).
 
Reservoir Dogs (18) - Matchless rubbish 
(much like these reviews) directed by 
Quentin Tarantino, a man with obvious 
talent (much like this reviewer) but 
some serious problems (which is where 
the similarity ends).
 
Robin Hood--Men in Tights (PG) - 
Mel Brooks lampoons the merry men.
 
So I Married An Axe Murderer (12) - 
Mike Myers is the gullible groom who must 
decide whether his beautiful bride is a 
psychotic loon.
 
Sommersby (12) - Jodie Foster is the 
baffled bride who must decide whether her 
handsome husband (Richard Gere) is really 
her husband (?).
 
Surf Ninjas (PG) - Indescribable 
feebleness prompts me to say this is an 
in-depth documentary into sun, sea and 
assassins.
 
The Fugitive (12) - Harrison Ford 
runs away from the law.  Tommy Lee Jones 
chases him.
 
The Man Without A Face (12) - Mel 
Gibson directs a drama starring Mel Gibson 
as a horrifically scarred teacher.
 
The Piano (15) - Surreal images 
struggle in vain to cover up the fact that 
this is a stupid film about the sexual 
frolics of a dumb pianist.  Stars Holly 
Hunter, Sam Neill and Harvey Keitel.
 
The Secret Garden (PG) - Fairy tale-type 
balderdash about an orphan girl who discovers 
the makings of an enchanted compost heap.
 
UFO--The Movie (18) - The Snapper was 
alternately described as (a) a fish, (b) a 
photographer, or (c) based on a novel whose 
author won the Booker Prize for another book 
(thanks to P. Found of Oxhey for this useful 
information).  UFO is a film with Roy 
'Chubby' Brown.