Detectives today are probing the leaf-strewn streets of Ann Arbor searching for clues into a mysterious attack on an innocent pumpkin. The victim, a Mr Jack O’Lantern, was last seen sitting on the bottom step of a house on the west side of the city. Witnesses described his expression as “inane but with a hint of Buddhist serenity”.

The victim (bottom left) was out with friends recently, celebrating a popular pagan holiday enjoyed by the denizens of Ann Arbor and surrounding environs. A number of those same citizens were seen heading to the polling station today to vote on the controversial Amendment P, which would tax householders to promote pumpkin farmers.

There are believed to have been at least three eyewitnesses to yesterday’s attack which took place some time during a night of torrential rain and left Mr O’Lantern severely battered. The three, who were found sitting on steps behind and above where the beating took place, have been irritating police and journalists alike with their stoney silence and lunatic grins.

Squirrels are believed to have been the most likely perpetrators of the pumpkin slaying. Fat, heavy squirrels, barely able to move their little tummies after consuming vast quantities of nearby gourds. One leading theory is that a monster squirrel sat on the victim’s head and caused his weak cranium to cave in, resulting in the grisly demise seen below. Another theory involves teenagers with heavy boots.

After a lot of questioning, a spokesman for the local police commented simply, “I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid you can’t bring your cell phone into the building. You’ll have to leave it in one of the boxes in reception.”

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UPDATE

Later this afternoon, a second pumpkin has been found dead on the porch steps, his orange carcass grotesquely shattered. Experts are suggesting this appears to have been a suicidal leap on his friend’s mangled body. Quite how an inanimate vegetable filled with two days rainwater propelled itself three feet down a flight of stairs remains a mystery.

Neighbours breathed a sigh of relief to discover the figure which had been menacing the fronts of their homes for several nights had finally been laid to rest. “That should wipe the smiles off his empty-headed friends’ faces,” said one. Another commented, “Durn squirr’ls up there in the creeky pine. They love to roll stuff into pumpkins–they’re bowling from creeky pine. Doesn’t happen in Switzerland, y’know. They have stricter pumpkin laws out there.”

Bottom left: did he fall or was he pushed? The two remaining witnesses remain silent but continue to grin inanely while the local squirrel population was heard sniggering in a nearby tree.